Stress does funny things to the body. It can make you forget how to put one foot in front of the other. It can make you forget to smile when you meet the eyes of a friendly stranger. Most troubling, it can make you forget yourself.

You believe that there is no end to the frustration and pain. Yes, the irrational takes over when you are stressed out and the subconscious knows it, but seems powerless to stop it.

As a modern, working woman, recently separated and busy parenting a beautiful four year old son, Im in the eye of my very own stress storm. Yet somehow, Ive got to function. The nasty truth is, though obvious to some (it wasnt to me), one has to keep moving whether the desire to do so is there or not.

Decisions must be made. Work must be done. Family must be looked after. All of these things, however, must occur simultaneously with the screaming pain in my head, the chronic racing of my heart and the overwhelming sense of loss in my life. Control is the last thing that I feel I have when I am under this kind of stress.

Though I have taken the concrete steps necessary to alter my own circumstances (even positive change is not without consequence), I feel as though now, a month later, I am looking over my shoulder at the slower-to-catch-on version of me and waiting for her to decompress and join me up here.

It feels more like she has not only caught up with me, but she has taken the time to collect all of the luggage that I intentionally left behind and unceremoniously dumped it into my arms. I cant fool my subconscious. Shes bright.

Im thrown off balance. Im overwrought with emotion and yetI need to make those phone calls, attend meetings, honour commitments and contribute to my life in some meaningful way. I dont have a lot of time for stress. I have to buy groceries and I must mother my son.

Somewhere in the chaos, if Im to find my way to the other side, I must forgive myself. For my stress, in many ways, is my own responsibility. How I manage the change and transition in my life, for which I am the architect, will determine how long I will stay in a state of imbalance.

I have spent the last several years of my professional life, teaching people how to do this. I know the techniques. I even understand why people are reluctant to change and move forward. I understand that kind of fear. Now, however, its happening to me and the rules somehow have changed. I now have to put my own advice to the test.

Admittedly, I knew I was in trouble from the very beginning. I knew that things in my life had to change, but knowing that and embracing it are two very different things. My strength was in question. My own ability to manage was (is) in question. I recognize the need for help and self-reflection.

I suppose I wanted to write this as a way to clear my own head, but to also acknowledge to all of those Ive worked with in the past to overcome their own chaotic moments that while I never believed it to be easy, I didnt think it would be this hard. I am looking back at those whove come to me with their pain and asked for guidance. I told them to be strong. I told them to trust their gut and do whats right for them. I told them to never give up. Now more than ever, I have needed to hear those words turned back on me. Ive needed to hear about strength and resilience and Ive needed to see it in action.

Responsibility and accountability are ways to take back some of the control that we can loose along the way if were not careful. Ive spent a good deal of time being out of control and am now just awakening to the fact that without control, I am merely an observer who can be swallowed up by circumstance.

Stress is indeed a byproduct of a life well lived. The pain will ease and my head will clear. Time will see to that. I need to see to the rest. I need to remember myself.